11 Rules to Become the Next J.K. Rowling

I don’t know —

Who you are?

You could be a Wife Beater or Baby Eater or worse than KuKluxKlan — WhiteWokeWoman.

But now that you’ve unwittingly walked into my House of Words, I must regale you with my pseudo-wit & cunty charm.

Caveat: When you’re done swallowing my words, you will feel worse than you do on Day 2 of your period or after getting whipped in the balls by a girl on Day 2 of her period.

Alright! Let the bloodshed begin.

I don’t know —
If you want to be dead [Franz Kafka] before you become famous —
If you want to write a novel about your dead girlfriend [Ravinder Singh] & make a sweet million — If you want to write an immortal novel [Wuthering Heights] at 29 & be dead at 30 [Emily Brontë] — Whatever it is that you want to be, just don’t go at it half-assed.

Godogle gives you — About 61,90,00,000 results (0.50 seconds) — if you type

— How to Become a Better Writer? —

But what the heck, here are my 11 WhiteWokeWoman-unapproved rules to Become the Next J.K. Rowling

1. Sleep with Her: I never put out anything on the day I write or complete it. I always sleep with her that night. I wake up the next day, look at her with morning eyes — tweak it where I feel it needs tweaking & then put it out for the world. I never put out anything that I don’t believe is the best goddamn letter I’ve ever written. It may not be good at all, but I give it my best shot — every time.
   P.S. I’ve followed the ‘sleep with her’ principle for this letter too.
2. OriginalOrgasm: I almost always refrain from using generic/popular sayings or patterns of writing. I always twist the sentences, quotes, & coin words. For instance, the other day, I coined ChicChumbak [variation of ChicMagnet], Wallshroom [A wall where men pee as if it were a Washroom], If there’s a bill, someone’s gotta pay [variation of If there’s a will, there’s a way] & in this blog too I coined Godogle. So when someone reads my work, they know it’s mine. My writing must taste like my soul. It must have my musk. My love story must have my desire, depth, fears, & ecstasy. My tragedy must have my hurt — it must taste like my blood. Don’t let your writing taste like someone else’s orgasm.
3. FoolsRushIn: I always give everything the time it deserves. There’s a colossal difference between a pizza out of a microwave & a pizza out of a wood-fired oven. If my writing is out of the microwave, it’s gotta go right into the nearest trash-bin. It deserves it.
4. Letters of Love: Everything we write about must have a heart embroidered with the thread of love. There’s a reason the food tastes delicious in L [Lucknow]. There’s a reason G [Melbourne Cricket Ground — Born in 1853] makes me feel like I’m floating. There’s a reason I loved MiO[Morticia is Okay] — and the reason is the same — Love. The magic potion is always Love.
   L: Each masala tastes of love & finesse. G: Each brick smells of love & history. MiO: Each letter exudes love & intense stories.
5. Coffee/Cocaine/Cigaretteswithorwithouthash — I almost always sit down with a cup of coffee when I write. My favorite screenwriter — Aaron Sorkin, wrote his best work while on cocaine for a decade. Some people write best with Hash. Whatever makes you write & create magic, you gotta drink/smoke/snort that. If that drink/smoke/powder kills you, at least your legacy will be beautiful, immortal words.
6. BuyAPenis: Every time, I have an idea — no matter how stupid — I write it down. As we live in a ‘Phoney World of Phones’, I write down the idea/topic as a Note to self. This ensures, I never have to rely on my dodgy memory to remember a quirky/sensational/hilarious/dumb idea that I had plucked out of thin air.
7. KnowYourShit: I never write about something I don’t know about at a visceral level. If I do write about something I’m compelled to write & I don’t know all the facts & history, I disclose that to the reader. Don’t write about something far-reaching unless you know about it in-depth or at least the part you’re writing about.
8. FuckInspiration: One of the most damning things I’ve learned is — Don’t wait for inspiration. Like one gets ready for work, dance or sex, one needs to get ready for writing. Find a Desk & Chair and Write. Inspiration will meet you half-way if you’re a writer.
9. Heart&Chutzpuh: Don’t write if you don’t have a story that your heart loves. And every time you’ve a story that your heart loves, write the hell out of it. Never write with inhibition or to be liked. It will be a betrayal to writing if you wrote with fear or for adoration.
10. 50 Shades of Fury: Write when you’re angry, but don’t publish till you’re calm as 3am. Anger gives you velocity — Calm gives you clarity.
11. Get Off Your Ass: Get outta your hotpants & coolconditioned rooms, Get outta your cars & hit the road — blend with the sun & sand. If you’re not moving about & weaving new experiences, you’re missing out on stories that will make your writing more beautiful than Northern Lights.

If even after ferociously blowing these 11 rules like Osama Bin Laden loved blowing buildings, your writing doesn’t make someone lust for you, then you better hit the books hard & secure that damn Engineering degree from that Private College your Dad is paying a hell lotta money for.

In 2022, true writing & writers are rare. Paradoxically, writing is both difficult and also natural like childbirth. If you’re a writer, you will know when you’re pregnant with stories & feel them flowing along your blood. All you gotta do is birth them on paper & let them live forever in the universes we know & the universes we don’t.

P.S. This blog was born on 5th February 2012. Today is 5th February 2022. It’s this blog’s 10th birthday. You just read/ate its 156th baby.

You know the most amazing thing about being a writer is — you never gotta retire like bloody footballers. I often picture myself on my death-bed, minutes away from becoming dust and still writing a new story. Nothing beats going away from Earth doing what made us come alive — everyfrickinday.